Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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