Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
