This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
