I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
