I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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