Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
