I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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