My Higher Power is John Stamos
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
