I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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