You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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