I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
