If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
