I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
