are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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