why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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