I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
