just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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