oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
