Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
