Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
