Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
