peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
