Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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