He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
