just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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