So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
