We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
