OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
