I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
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