omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
