we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
