Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
