he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
