Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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