The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Randomize
