So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
