I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
