The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
