I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
