I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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