Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
