why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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