there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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