I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Just pee around me
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
