You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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