is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
