do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
