Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
