I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
