If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
