omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i want to swaddle you in tequila
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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