the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
