I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
