I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
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