Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
