I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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