I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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