i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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