Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
We had sex on a dog bed..
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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