Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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