i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
This is classic penis vs brain.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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