My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
